10 Year Wedding Anniversary

So, December 31st is my husband, Nick and I's wedding Anniversary!! Woot woot we made it to 10!!!!! But what is even more amazing is we have made it through a lot and still have a lot to go through! We have dealt with the early birth of our son Andrew, very scary, but has grown up to be a wonderful young man that turns Ten in February! WOW!!! And then a miscarriage of another child, then the birth of our daughter Mecina, who turns Nine in January!! Also WOW!!! Following her birth the SURPRISE of being pregnant with multiples, which we also miscarried due to me having major health issues! The same year our daughter came into our lives, 2004, we had this miscarriage, I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse (a heart condition in which the heart regurgitates blood, due to the Mitral Valve not being able to completely close), Severe gallstones, resulting in emergency Gallbladder surgery, and then icing that large Cake with the Diagnosis of Cervical Cancer! Resulting in more minor surgeries and a "light" dose of Chemo! Luckily it was an oral medication that was able to be taken from May thru September, with a final "All Clear" in October 2004! HUGE Year! Luckily with monthly check ups for six months then six months check ups things looked great! We continued on with our lives, running a wonderful Daycare for close family and friends, and my husband working for the family business! We also decided to look into other ventures that would be able to help others out as well! I was introduced to a woman in my doctor's office whom had had numerous miscarriages because her eggs were not of "good quality". This to me, was heart breaking!! I had a conversation over a few months that resulted in. Me wanting to donate my eggs! We were both excited to be able to help someone in need! about two months after we made this decision to donate, I was chosen by a couple and started the process, in which I donated my eggs! Two months following this I was chosen again, by another couple, and donated again! It was a very fulfilling, a great experience, not only for my husband and I but for my children as well! We were happy, healthy and wanted more, a house! The time came to buy a house, and whelp, that seemed impossible in California in 2006! So we were looking in both California and in Illinois! We ended up finding a house that we fell in love with that we thought we could buy, live in for a few years while remodeling and then sell it for profit making it the perfect opportunity to buy our dream house! We signed the Papers in December 2006 & moved a few months later cross country, to Illinois, where it was cold, far away from the family we have had support us for the entire time we had been married and away from security! But we moved into hope, dreams, expectations and the love of my family! I loved it we had a huge, wonderful house, the kids got to know their family from Illinois, my husband had time to grow a business from scratch and do wonderfully at it! Things were going exactly to plan! I had two great jobs! I worked at a little Gas Station, Casey's General Store, and a Bank, Erie State Bank, I worked with people I had known growing up, I loved my jobs and it was nice to be able to work while my husband was taking time for himself and growing a business from scratch! I had become increasingly close with my Mom and sister again! Life was great! And then November came and along with it a hard working sister whom fell asleep at the wheel! In the instant I got a phone call from my mom, on my sister's phone, I know something had happen! I immediately turned the car around and headed to the hospital! I met my mom there just in time to see them wheeling my sister out on a stretcher to the helicopter! All she would say was, "I'm sorry!" She wouldn't say anything else! In that instant the pain in my heart and in my mothers eyes, it was evident! We were from that moment on, on a mission, we were going to make it to Iowa City in Record time!! We called Matt, our brother, who luckily was closer than anyone and was able to be there for her for her when she arrived! I called Allyson, a close friend of mine, and she met us in Clinton, IA and road with Mom and I to Iowa City, all the way we were ALL THREE smoking like a chimney & making phone call after phone call!! She had some bleeding on the brain, and was stubborn as hell, but in nine months time was alright! That was one of the hardest heart tugging experiences of my life! After that scary moment, I had reevaluated my life and realized that no matter what I needed to do something to further my education to be able to provide for my family if, God forbid something would happen to Nick! So I continued to take classes that I had started here in California to go towards getting my Nurse Practitioner's license! During finishing up for my pre-reqs, I was approached by my Egg Donation agency about doing Surrogacy! After talking about it off and on for a couple years and then in great detail again during this time, we decided to go ahead with it! We met the couple, an AMAZING couple, and connected right away and started the process of trying to get pregnant! In March 2009, we found out we were pregnant!! Yay! I was so excited to tell the Intended Parents!! This meant a perfect Christmas Present for them!!! Things with the pregnancy were pretty good, the agency was not so good, and that is whole long other story, but non the less they ended up NOT being part of this joyous process! But we went on with the pregnancy and found out that they were expecting a boy!! They were excited for once this was said, they could start buying everything they wanted!! :) it was exciting! I continued to grow while I was still going to school, finished my pre-reqs, and continued on with my CNA and Life Flight certificate! It was SUCH an exciting time for me! I was making a life to be proud of for my self, my husband, and my children, not to mention the incredible experience we were all going through bringing this child into the world for an excellent couple, who deserved this more than anyone in the world!! During this time it was decided that I would not work until after delivery and then I would find a new job in my NEW field! :) So, October came, I celebrated my birthday, and enjoyed it, and then November came and it was COLD! Not full of snow, or much rain, but it was cold and I had a handful of times where I would have contractions and they would have to stope them, and did, and then I was finally on meds that stopped them and relaxed me! And then, we got a call, a call that No one, was ever expecting! No one would ever want to get! We were in Illinois and I got a call from my Mother-in-law and she had said that my Brother-in-law, Jonny had passed away, Nick's brother, his best friend!! Never in my life had my heart ever been so heart broken! Nick was devastated, we all were! I just couldn't believe it, I still can't believe it! But, we got on the computer booked a flight for him to be back in California by the next day! He needed to be here, but I couldn't come! It didn't matter, he HAD to be here! He NEEDED to be here! And I am glad he was here, for him, is family and friends! It was heart breaking, but it was good he was here! A few days later, November 21st, 2009, I was a bit depressed lounging around the house and my brother, Matt who was staying with me, decided to take me out shopping for the day! Yay!! Nothing like Christmas Shopping to get your mind off of things! So we went shooting with Momma Jean, and Sis Maddie! Followed up by Amazing Mexican food at a local Bar and Grill! Yum yum yum! It was so good, I took a picture of it and sent it to my Hubby! Lol he was trying to relax by going to the movie theater with the family! So when I got home he said, try not to call me for the next two hours, I'm going to be in a movie! :) Okay, no biggy, just give me a call when your out of the movie theater! :) So after a long day shopping and eating, my brother and I were finally relaxing on the couch, not long after my mom and sister went home, after taking care of my kids and giving them a bath and put into bed! Of course my cat, Fence, had another idea! She wanted outside! FINE, I yelled at her, so I drug my tired fat butt up off the couch, to go let her out, opened the door, she ran out, closed the door and turned around, and my water broke! Right there, right in the hallway, four weeks before due date! My husband across the country going to his brother's funeral the next day, and my intended parents six hours from my house, and my brother, sitting there, in denial asking me if I really just maybe, peed myself instead! Lol WOW, one of the most important things we were doing as a family for another couple to give them their family, I now had to do without my husband! And I also had to pray that the parents could make it to the hospital in one piece, and on time! Ugh!! Talk about stress, oh, but wait, my contractions, had stopped!!! Thank God! So I called my husband, yes just 1/2 hour into the movie, during the movie! Lol, and the intended parents! My brother, who was worried he would have to deliver a baby from his sister, that's not even her baby! Hahaha he calmed down after a minute and called Mom, my sister, Alicia, my friend and Doula, Allyson, and my Aunt, to watch the kids! We made it to the hospital within the hour, in which I refused to let them start Pitocin until we got within 30 minutes of the parents getting there since I was already a four! Once the parents got there, I delivered very quickly, no epidural, which by the way was NOT my idea, but is another story in itself! In the very early morning of November 22nd I delivered a baby boy to the intended Parents! In which they named after me at the very last moment, Jesse, he was a healthy beautiful baby!! And the parents were happier then I had EVER, seen them! They immediately had the connection and the, "Oh My God, we are parents!" Look on their faces! It was the most amazing, incredible, surreal experience! So many different emotions felt in such a short week! But it was amazing non-the less! I still keep in close touch with the family! He is now three years old, and happy as can be with amazing parents and family! Shortly after the loss of Jonny we realized, we needed to be back out here in California! We decide in 2010 to put our house that we had completely remodeled, up for sale and move back to California! This time, Nick's mom flew out to Illinois and made the drive back with us! We made it a vacation a long the way and stopped at quite a few Vacation places, including Mount Rushmore, at which our son, got three fingers crushed in a door :(, and the corn Palace and Yellowstone! It was an amazing seven day trip back to California! We were happy to be back! This trip lead us into all of the most recent fun and hellacious stories of our current life! :( a lot is happening right now, but I am hoping that someday, in the near future I will get that spark back and be able to show my family how strong I am! Right now I just count Every single blessing that I have had and will get and cherish every single one! Like celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary, with my most amazing, loving, understanding, and patient husband! The BEST husband in the world to still be here with me! I love you more today that I did yesterday, and I will love you more tomorrow that I do today!! I love you Nick, Happy Anniversary!! And a very very Happy Birthday to our Amazing Grandma Baker! Happy 75th Grandma and here is to many more happy years to come for us all!!

The start of Phase two!

So my Port for the Chemo has finally been scheduled to be placed on January 3rd, 2013! That is3 1/2 months following my diagnosis! I am ready but nervous and sick to my stomach all in one!

1) I am ready to start this process to get the Chemotherapy done and over with! Once it is started I know there will be a finish date projected! This also means that the initial hellacious surgeries are done and over with!! Yay!! Don't get me wrong I know I have many more surgeries and things I need to do before I am done, however, I can address the Breast Cancer easier when I look at it through stages! :)

2) Nervous for obvious reasons! This is Chemotherapy not a ride in the car or my wisdom teeth getting taken out! Nervous about the side effects, how it is going to affect my children, my husband, and all of our futures! I am praying that I move through this swiftly and effortlessly! I know that there are many instances where people go through Chemo and fly through it with just a little tired side effects and some nausea! Please, please, please pray that is me!! Those that know me are guessing that is NOT going to be me unfortunately, which brings me to reason #3!

3) Sick to my stomach knowing that I have a unique chemical makeup that allows me to react to A LOT of medications negatively! And sick to my stomach because I am walking Murphy's Law! (Ironic, as my Maiden name is Murphy!) I am staying positive, but knowing me and the doctors are even expecting me to have at least a minimal reaction and have already ordered A Benadryl drip to help counter act any reactions! :/ not sure how I feel about this! Lol not to mention there are all of the other negative side effects of the medicine too, the ones that almost everyone gets... Being tired, puking, hot sweats, low blood levels, etc etc....

Wow! Step two is such a doozie! But once step two is done step three will be MUCH easier!! :) Just praying for time to pass quickly and things to be as easy as possible!! God knows I am asking a lot, when others could certainly use more luck, prayers and love. But if I could possibly, get any of those?! That, that would be great!! From this point on I will do my best to keep updates coming, especially since I think it will keep me out of the "Nut House"!

Christmas Time!!

First I would like to start this post by saying I am completely and deeply saddened by the most recent tragedy, the shootings in Connecticut! My heart aches in pain for the families and friends of those lost! This horrible, horrible thing should NEVER have ever happened!! And as many of you know I have struggled with my Insurance in the past, present and probably the future! And while I like the fact that Birth Control is required to be covered by insurance, I would gladly give up those rights to someone in need of Mental Health Care Coverage! Why is it that it is Not required to cover Mental Health?? I have never understood this, don't understand this, nor will I ever, probably, be able to understand it!! Let me just end this bit by saying may God Rest their souls, and bring closure and support to the families and friends!!

On another note, and a very selfish one at that after the horrible tragedy in Connecticut....
My family and I have been, since March of this year (2012), on a whirlwind of emotions, depression, happiness, thankfulness, gratefulness (no they are not the same thing (: ), tiredness, confusion, anger, and blessings! ~ I am sure I missed some kind of feeling or emotion in their somewhere! AT ANY RATE, we have been through a lot! Starting this year as well I was brought into a company, in February, that was everything I was hoping for, wishing for and praying for! Along with that company came great friends (which included great family members, of those friends, I got to know). This company, Home Value Experts, LLC; had just started and with hiring me, was taking a, well, leap of faith! You see going into this company, I thought I was going to be a Surrogate!! (Which I was in the middle of working on) I thought, oh this is going to be hard to give them everything and then be missing time for appointments, and ultimately time off for the birth! The owners, however, knew of this, and were completely 100% on board!! They were absolutely okay with the situation as long as I kept them in the loop of everything! DEAL! That was wonderful! Here I had a great job, and GREAT people that I worked with and for, and I was going to be a Surrogate for a wonderful couple! HOWEVER, God changed my plans and decided that I was not able to be a Surrogate again, and in fact I had to prove to Him how strong I was! With Cervical Cancer diagnosed in March (just 1 month after being hired!), and Breast Cancer in September, how was this even remotely fair to this company that took a leap of faith on me?!?! It wasn't! And in the midst of all the appointments, the news, as crappy as it was, stood my office, full of open, loving caring hearts!! They have stood by myself and my family since day one, without a wavier! I have unfortunately been off work since my birthday, October 18th, my last day their, thus far, and still have no idea when I could possibly return! But they, they are just supporting this process and supporting my family, with love, compassion, and prayers! This has made this entire process easier, doable, manageable, and strengthening, to know good people are still out their!! Unfortunately, during this time I have not been able to work, it makes it harder to pay the bills. While we are still floating and we are not as bad off as some. And I am grateful for the help, support and prayers we get and have gotten!! And not only from my work but my Husband's work and family! My husband's work is AMAZING!! They are understanding, caring and loving (and Family). They have been their for the past 11 years for me, and now through this they are here for me yet again in the biggest of ways! They are our rock, our understanding and support! And we certainly could not do this without them either! They have been what keeps us going, what has kept us afloat, what keeps our spirits high, a security in knowing my Husband is secure in a job as well! I am grateful we have been able to get by this long without struggling too much!! The fact of the matter is we are not sure how long we can tread water before it becomes too much with all of the running back and forth, medical stays, holidays, birthdays, sicknesses, and setbacks... So a friend of mine has set up a small donation site that will help us raise money to stay above water through the holidays!! I am grateful and blessed for all we do have and will have!! With as much heart ache and pain as this brings, it also brings love, blessings and heart warming!! May God Bless each and Every one this Holiday Season!!!


http://www.giveforward.com/rejessification

Ton of bricks!

The time is has taken to get from point "A" to point "B" is taking a lot longer than expected! However I do know that this is a long process with a ton of setbacks. Durning this process I have been reading, writing, thinking, researching, talking with survivors, current women going through this, and different doctors and specialists. Almost all of which have said I need to watch Parenthood. So, since I have had all this "down time" on my hands. I have found connections with this show in different ways! One of which is the fact that my son is a spitting image of "Max" on the show! He has a slightly better control on his anger, but it did NOT use to be like that, nor is it controlled all the time! And the craziness with the family, but the shared love! That is totally my family, and my husband's family! :) I absolutely LOVE both of our families! And the discussions, get togethers, and the love that is shared and felt is just so amazing! And now, this season that I have finally caught up to, it is well a little to close for comfort! I am only a couple of shows into the new season and I didn't realize how many emotions I still have locked up inside! How angry I still am, how sad I still am, how frustrated I still am, how confused I still am, and how fresh everything still is! I understand that this portion of what I am dealing with is all still fairly new, however... I am tired of looking over my shoulder, which by the way, I have been doing since 2004 when I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer! Then again this year in March and wham, surprise surprise I have Breast Cancer too!! Oh and not only that I have a rare form of Breast Cancer and I am still fighting with the Doctors about doing everything in a timely manor and not treating me like a statistic instead if a patient! At the beginning it started out as a lump, "oh maybe it is just a fatty tumor, lets just biopsy it". During the biopsy they tell me they think it is suspicious in nature, really!! Wow,now when you are poking around and can't numb the whole area you say it is suspicious in nature!? Oh!! And to top it off when they can't get the Biopsy, because it is too far into the breast and in a really hard area to get too, they want to do ANOTHER biopsy and initially REFUSED my request for a Lumpectomy! You know why?? Because I'm too young, too young for it to likely be Cancer, too young to disfigure my breast, and too young not to try and do another Biopsy. They also said if the 2nd Biopsy came back inconclusive, that they would just wait and watch the tumor and try again if it changed in nature. However, me being me, and being "Walking Murphy's Law", I fought and argued why I should have a Lumpectomy opposed to another BS Biopsy! Finally over a month later they agreed to do the Lumpectomy! No, I was not happy I was having a Lumpectomy, but I was happy that I wasn't just sitting there wandering and worrying about what this tumor was made of or what it was doing, growing, not growing, spreading, not spreading. So the Lumpectomy was done, and I was told that the results would be back within two weeks! A long two weeks passed, in fact it was at the two week mark I celebrated and was thinking everything was great! Two weeks and one day after surgery, I got up met with a friend of mine, telling her how excited I was about NOT hearing news, And that I had an appointment the following Monday with the surgeon for a Post-Op! After leaving there I went to work and was doing great being happy, having a lot to do keeping me busy. They I remember my phone ringing, and it was Unknown... The only person that calls from an unknown number is Travis Air Force Base, where I was getting my breast care done. I immediately answered not thinking, still happy as can be, until I heard the Doctor's voice. All of the sudden September 18th Turned into hell on earth when the words Cancer hit me like a ton of bricks! The second ton hit me when he said, you had No clear margins, meaning that, well they did not get everything! So if this would have been left, then what? What would I be looking at now, or even three months from now! And from that moment on he said, "this is something we need to take care of right away! It appears to be a rare form of Breast Cancer!" WOW! Ummmm okay! So it was set to discuss during my next appointment on the following Monday, September 25th. Not much more information was given then, except that I needed to meet with the doctor that would be doing the reconstructive surgery also! That was Scheduled for the following Tuesday, October 2nd, in which I meet with my surgeon, a new surgeon. That was taking over his cases because he was being deployed, I also met with my reconstructive surgeon, and with the Breast Care Coordinator that was going to be there to advocate for me during this whole process. At that particular moment they had me scheduled to do a Bilateral Radical Mastectomy with Lymph Node Dissection, two days from then on October 4th! Even more tons thrown at my husband and I! We had discussed it with the doctor and decided that we were not ready for this! It was too soon, we didn't have anything ready, I personally was not emotionally ready for this, although hind sight, never really was, or am I still! So the surgery was pushed off until October 19th, the day after my 29th Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Hahaha although the surgery is done, and has been fighting me with healing correctly, ever hing is still just so raw emotionally, and just irritating because this is not something that I am bouncing back from, like I have in the past, like I feel I should be able too! Like I need to be able to for me, for my kids, for my husband! It isn't fair! I should be able to be happy, healthy and relaxed! Instead I am not healthy, relaxed or happy! I am everything but! Oh, and one more thing, and this is coming from a book that I am currently reading and just can't stop thinking about, so I'm just going to end with it, because it is so very true, "you truly find out who your true friends are!" Right at first, everyone is their, EVERYWHERE, overwhelming almost, then life continues one, people that said they would be there, disappear, and everyone just assumes. After surgery is done, life goes back to normal. Unfortunately, life is everything but Normal! And I am sorry for that, but those that mind, don't matter and those that matter, don't mind!

Must be a dream!

As I sit here late at night I realize all of the AMAZING people and things in my life that I am so very grateful for!! I still can not get over the fact that my mom, at age 50, got on an airplane for the very first time to come see me! Of course I wish it was for a better reason or under different circumstances, but non the less she is here!! My sister is here in California, also to see me for the second time! It is hard going through day to day life without your mom and sister, let alone Breast Cancer! :/ So having my mom and sister here for a week I am going to take advantage of that! I am spending so much time with them, talking and sharing, and just being in the same area as them! My kids have missed them, I have missed them, and even my husband I'm sure has missed them! ;)

So this week even with the weight of my shoulders, my grandmother still being gravely ill, I am going to do my best to soak up the time I have with them! Although my grandmother is seriously ill, I am beyond excited about her progress and so very proud to see a women that is so independent and strong remind us that even in this medical position, she is still the same grandma, mom, sister, and friend! The same one that makes the kids ask for a cookie before she gives it too the, lets the kids run in and out of her house as if it is their house, gives us advice even when the advice may be the truth that we don't want to hear, and the one that everyone turns to for advice, thoughts, and just because! She is an amazing woman that I could not imagine life without!!

My children have also become very independent during this whole process, and it scares me because they grow up so fast, it is gone in a blink of an eye!! My son is turning double digits in just a few months and my daughter is right behind him! Where does the time go!? It is so hard to try and capture all nickford the memories that you swear you'll never forget! Until one day they give you another memory that you will yet again swear that you will never forget! My kids are strong, big hearted, and stubborn, which is precisely why I know that after all is said and done, they will be that much stronger, big hearted and stubborn! Making them beat out the record again for the most amazing children!!

My husband, he is Mr. Mom for sure!! I am sure all of the school moms are jealous of my husbands amazing ability to juggle work, children, kids extra curricular activities, and still have time for me! He is more than I could have ever dreamt I deserved! I truly believe God has blessed me with the most amazing group of people in my life! And I could not have chosen a better husband, or father of my children! And for that I am eternally grateful!

From one extreme to the next!

February and March of this year seem so far away now! And so much has changed! It is such an extreme change to go from thinking that you are going to be helping a wonderful couple have a child; to being diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and then followed up by surgeries and a few months later getting another diagnosis of an extremely rare aggressive form of Breast Cancer that had already turned Invasive. Talk about being able to give an amazing gift to have that gift taken from you, and handed a hot, burning, red Coal! From that point it too has been up and down, back and forth. I have really hard, hellacious days that make me feel like the tiny pill bug on the ground that people like to step on. And other days I feel like I am the luckiest, happiest person in the world!

What I have found through this whole process is how much it hurts my children. You here, all the time, "the kids will be fine, they bounce back better than anyone!" However, it's impossible to turn your emotions off when your son has so many questions and concerns that your unsure how to address them. And your daughter reverts to ignoring everything that is happening so it is easier for her to get through each day! How do you reassure your children everything will be okay, when your not able to keep a level head about anything?! How do you look at your children and tell them to be patient, to be understanding when all that is happening is so contradictory? It's like taking them to the dentist to get teeth pulled and telling them that it isn't going to hurt afterwards! Or like telling them that favorite object in the whole world is no longer an option for them! It is impossible and makes absolutely NO Sense! As a mother, I should be able to show my children the comfort that they need! Hell, I brought life to other couple's children, brought love, life, hope, enthusiasm, and joy into the hearts of others! I was a role model for my children, I was supposed to be someone that my children to look at and know that I was a strong, loving, hard headed person that could do anything, and prove that love does have the best impact on outcome. Now, with this Rare Breast Cancer Hell that I'm fighting, I don't have the same hope, love, calmness, strong, hard headed personality! I look at my children, and my heart aches! I love them with more being than I feel I have, but how do I continue to show them that at my weakest, most volunteer able state of mind?! It is just not fair, and not for me, but my children! Why do they have to suffer? Why can't this happen in silence and allow them to continue on with life as normal as it is supposed to be?
All I can promise is to be the best I can be, one that will fight to give all of those things, all of them, to my children. And I will tell you this, if I can't I will know that I tried my damnedest! Oh, and I will make sure my children know, if not today, tomorrow, next week or next month, they WILL know that I did and will do anything and everything for them! And they will know this simply because I WILL beat this Hell and I WILL be back to me! Back to helping and providing love, care, passion, and hope to others!! There is no holding me down, not even The rarest of Breast Cancer! So, Cancer, instead of pulling me down, you can just Kiss my Ass!

More of my journey & surgery 2012-2013

Knowing you are not alone, that makes everything easier!

You hear your not alone, you know your not alone, but yet you feel alone... Your alone in your thoughts, your fears, your anger, hatred, frustrations, and anxiety! People say they understand or they want it understand. But the truth is NO ONE REALLY understands, but, I have found that there are others that go through similar situations, and are pretty close to understanding what you are going through. And this makes the feeling like your alone, go away, even if just for a moment. And in that or those moments it makes everything easier, calmer, more understandable. Everyone's case is different, even if it is the same type of cancer, and the same type of treatment! Some lose all their hair some lose the hair on their head, but not their eye brows, and eye lashes. Some get nauseous, some get tired, and some don't have hardly any issues what so ever! All I know is that the unkown of how I am going to react is irritating me more than ever now! With so many people being so different with the same types of treatment their so no way to know for sure if you will or will not act a certain way. You would think it would be pretty straight forward but it apparently depends on how big you are, how much you tolerate pain, how much you tolerate nausea, if you have reactions easy, if you are fighting a cold, if your depressed, if your constantly happy, or even if you are male or female. But, knowing that somewhere, someone has gone through a symptom that you will be going through and has gotten through it, means that I will too! I may be alone in my thoughts, and feelings and everything else I said, but I know I am not alone physically, emotionally, and certainly not spiritually! I know that this is just another step, just one more in a long, bumpy hellacious road, that will someday allow me to look back and be proud that I fought my way through it! Not only did I fight my way through it, I would be able to say I fought my way through it with the love and support if friends and family!!

Frustration... Continues!

I know everyone out there tells me that this will get better!! And I believe that this will get better, and I am aware that it will get worse eventually before it gets too much better! However tonight and today I have been on edge more than ever, and frustrated beyond what I have been up until this point! Let me paint a vivid picture... I not only have to take a handful of medication every twelve hours I also have to take a smaller handful of pills two other times in the day. They make my mouth, no matter how much I brush my teeth, floss, and rinse with mouth wash, (oh and occasionally eat those sweet treats that takes the taste away for a moment!) tastes like metal or medication! No matter what! I have major back and hip issues from breaking my lower back, hips and pelvis back in 2001, and normally sleep on my stomach to try and relieve some of that pain! Obviously sleeping on my tummy is out of the question! So one would think, sleep on your side! Oh yea, I have drains that come out of each side that prevents me from doing that, and even if I got my drains out, which should be Friday, November 9th, I have had major nerve damage done to my arms, should, armpits, and side of the chest wall, because of the extensive surgery that was done! SO... That leaves me with my back!mand well, there are only so many angles you can get in on your back! And until a few days ago I couldn't lay completely flat either! So needless to say my back is pretty damn sore!! No bed sores, I have been incredibly careful not to stay in one "angle" for too long. I get up and move around, it helps but, the longer I'm up the more I find myself hunching, to avoid the pressure and pain of my chest area. Oh, yea! One more thing, I have very very very limited use in my arms! My right arm especially! I have Lymphadema in it, and two Lymp Node ducts that have contracted do right it is tight enough to not allow me to lift my arm up all the way, straighten it all the way, and I certainly don't have the strength that I should! Obviously I am not supposed of use the strength even if I had it, but I would think my right arm would be MUCH stronger than my left since I am right handed, and they did more extensive work on the left side.... Boggles my mind!! You think of frustration, and you think, yea, of course that will make you crazy!! Oh but let's add on some more fun stuff!! Cause I am by far done! Lol I am not allowed, nor able to drive!! And going any where for any amount of time wears me completely out, plus it is hard to call up people who have jobs, families, and other stuff during the day that makes it hard if not impossible sometimes to get away! (And trust me I understand! I am not yelling at, blaming or angry with anyone, so please do not see it that way!) it is just hard to get out, that's all... Lets add a little hormones to the play in this! Since I had my partial back in May, my hormones have been up and down, back and forth. For all of you men out there, you are probably thinking, run run like hell! And yes, please do! Lol and all you women out there are probably thinking, I know exactly what she is talking about!! And trust me, you probably do!! But damnit, I thought maybe, just maybe I might get a break, I don't know why, or how, but I thought maybe I would, NOPE! Haha. And then we add on the topping of the cake! I am a mom, and I like to think I am a damn good mom. However since March I feel like I have literally taken my entire life, including my duties of being a mom! And that most of fall hurst more than anything! I woke the kids up and get the ready for school. I drive them to school and drop them off. I make sure they are picked up on time by being at their school early enough that they don't have to worry about who is picking them up and where they are. I make sure their homework is done, they have their snacks, take their showers, brush their teeth... I am the one who is supposed to make their life stable, easy, loving!! Not full of worry, wonderment, and anxiousness! And don't get me wrong my husband is the BEST "Mr. Mom"!!! He maybe can even do someone of it better than I do, but lets not tell him that! ;) but I am not doing it any more! I am not capable, awake enough, patient enough, or even happy enough to do it! And that just see s to add insult to injury for me because all my life, all I wanted was to be a mom, and to be the very best mom that is humanly possible! And topping that, my poor husband! Ugh! The hell I must be outing him through... I wish, truly wish that if I could protect anyone from all of this it would be him and my children! Not myself, but him and my children! This isn't fair to them, having to deal with all of this hell and frustration! Through all of this anger, depression, and frustration, I do realize that it is temporary, I WILL get through this, I will be a better stronger person for being able to get through the hell that has happened and that sits before me! Not only that, I know I. My heart of hearts, I am better of than many! I have a house, cars, a family, insurance, my kids are healthy, and lots of people that love me. So please know that if I could make everyone who is worse off than me, better off than me, I would do it in a heart beat! I would protect all of those people who were caught in the "Superstorm Sandy", I would take cancer time and time again over a child getting it!! I would lay down my life if I thought it would make the entire world better! I would do anything to take pain and heartache away from someone else! I just wish there was something I could do now, to take some of the pain and heartache away from my kids and husband! Luckily they are all extremely strong and are truly my rock!! Now, lets just pray for peace throughout the country, love with everyone, a cure for Cancer (all types!!) rest and relaxation for my husband, and less pain and frustration for me!! Xoxo

HAIR Today...gone tomorrow!

I am choosing to lose my hair on my terms, NOT when the Chemo decides too!! Click on the Link and see the invitation to this "Party". Thank  you for your support and caring!!



http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a4d334f546b304e6a553d0d0a&blogview=true

Now what??

After all is said and done, you know, or at least you think you know, you've got this! But as time goes on and people throw more and more at you and one surgery after another, and the look in your husband's eyes, and then your children's eyes! That is when you start to second guess everything about what you have done and wanted to do. Will I be around to take my kids to their next Christmas? Or be able to celebrate my anniversary with my amazing husband?? What IS going to to happen?? Well for starters most of the major surgery is done, still recovering and each day I think I get better something surprises me! Non the less, I am getting better, I just expect to be able to bounce back to normal and In this case, well I am going to have to just get use to the fact that, it really isn't going to happen that way! So I need it get off my high horse and just let it happen the way it needs to happen. I'm having a real issue with why all of this is happening, mainly at my age, and why me. Don't get me wrong, I am no angel nor do I wish this upon anyone else, but really, why me?? What exactly am I paying for?? What exactly did I do so very wrong that I am being punished, or made an example of? Would God really test me in this way or is this some other doing to try and bring me closer to God? And I swear the last thing I need to hear, because I hear it at least once a day, is, "God only gives you what you can handle". Really?? Is that so?? Because I am a firm believer in the fact that God does not give you something this horrible to "test" you! I believe he helps you through times like this or gives you people, places, tools, etc to help you through it, but I do not believe He would do this! I know growing up I was a hell child! I had issues, all through high school, in which It just got worse, however, I don't believe that I was that horrible to be punished this bad!! Not to mention I have done everything in my power to "redeem" my self, sort of speak. I joined the military, only to have that back fire in the worst of ways! I was "dropped" 25 feet in which I landed on my ass, and broke my lower SI joint, both of my hips, and my pelvis in two spots! Now that, that I thought was pay back for being a horrible teen! I was then, no longer able to serve my country, and that again I felt was payback, and felt like I needed to do more to make up for all I did that was wrong. So I moved away to better my life, grow up, and truly take charge! That is when, I felt, all of my luck went from,"walking Murphy's Law", to "luck of the Irish"! Which is frankly ironic! I am Irish, and my maiden name is Murphy!! Interesting huh!? But, in 2002, after my journey across country, I met my now, amazing husband Nick, I felt my luck changed at that point! It was pretty instant with me, I thought he was amazing, I fell for him, quick and hard! The more I learned about him and his family, the more I loved! I got to first meet his brother, Jonny, and his grandparents. All of which welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts! Well, his grandpa took a little convincing, however, he was just as stubborn as I was, so I think that made it much easier for us to get along! Soon, I was part of their family and we were building a family of our own! I had NEVER been happier in my whole life! Time went on, Nick and I got married, had two beautiful children, and couldn't have been happier! Until I was first diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, a heart condition and have to my Gallbladder taken out all within 6 weeks of delivering my adorable daughter! That is when I question yet again and have questioned off and on through the years about weather or not I am still being "punished" or tested, or something because I did something wrong!! I re-question this now again, and wonder what it is that I did so very wrong?! I know everyone tells me all the time, I am not being punished, however, if in am not, then why, why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to my family? They certainly do not deserve this!!! I too feel like I do not deserve this either, so how, how do I get through it and keep a level head? What steps do I take to ensure that for a change, my family will not have to go through hell again after the next two + years struggle?? What now? What do I do now?? How will I get through this and still be able to keep my head high? I need to be strong for my children and my husband, but how?? I just keep thinking that I am no where near the end and I am just wondering, when is that time going to hit again where I, yet again, say "what now"? I feel like I am strong, and doing well, but I am still such a basket case! I am so emotional and up and down with emotions, thoughts, hatred, and just plain tired!! Going into this I kept saying, I got this, I can do this, but as this process has taken shape and time continues on, I am just an unknown crazy case! It's not easy trying to explain what is happening to an 8 year old girl, and a 9 year old boy! Nor is it easy to be able to look at your husband and feel like you are a whole person, let alone a sexy women! Let me tell you, there is NOTHING sexy about having your cervix and uterus hacked up a few different times, and having scars all over your body, and then we get to add the fun fact that they took my DD Breasts and hacked them off!! I am lucky enough to have Expanders in place that they are able to inflate over time to give the illusion of breasts, a d will eventually be replaced with actual implants. However that, that does not change how I look right now, at this very moment! Oh!! Lets add a fun tidbit to this!! I will also within two weeks be losing all of my hair because of the aggressive Chemotherapy that in will be going through! So we now get to add baldness to the sexy scale! I am pretty sure I am going to look like a Man! Not a woman, a man! This process by far, has been and continues to be the most absolute hardest thing I have ever thought about and imagined I could have ever gone through, and here I am, going through it! It's not bad enough that I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 20, and then again at age 28, oh but this time around at age 28 we get to add on Breast Cancer!! Oh and you wanna hear the kicker?! I account for less than 1% of all breast cancer types that have ever been diagnosed!!! Meaning that the type of Breast Cancer that I have is THAT rare! Oh, oh, oh, oh!! And, this particular type, they are having a hard time finding someone, besides my self that has been diagnosed with this type under the age of 50! Hmmm... Now that, that only tells me that I must have done something so very wrong in a past life or something!! I mean come on, what are the odds?! Oh yea, less than 1%!! Sorry, I should not joke, but that is how I have been trying to deal with this, and get through it and still try to stay sane and still be able to look at my children or my husband without completely losing it! So my new goal is to blog bout what is happening, how I'm feeling, making sure I raise awareness and let everyone know that, NO ONE IS FREE AND CLEAR! It is possible for anyone, even men and children to get Breast Cancer. Yes it is more rare for a child or a man to get it, but it is NOT unheard of , and is possible! The other thing I would like to do in this process is find more women with a diagnosis the same as mine, and maybe find someone closer to my age! So the more this blog is read, shared, and Re-shared, maybe just maybe we will be able to come together as survivors (someday!) and help others through this process and prevent late stage Breast Cancer from happening, by being aware and finding it early enough!! Welcome to my journey in the fight of my life! The fight agains Metaplastic Carcinoma of the Breast! I will come out on top! I will be here for my children! I will be stronger and better in the end, will you help me to get there??

The beginning of what I thought was the end!!

My March started out a little different than most, I was going to be a surrogate for the second time!! I was so excited, I had been matched with the perfect couple, they got along with not only me, but my entire family!! Which is extremely important when carrying a child for someone else! But going into it would never prepare me for what was about to happen!! 

I have been fairly healthy my whole life, I have two children and a loving husband. Sure I have had issues with certain things throughout life, but who doesn't! So I wanted to help someone be as happy as I have been and was lucky enough to be. In 2006 I spoke with my husband and we decided we were going to help others have their family! I signed up, after quite a bit of talking and research, to become an egg donor!! Shortly after signing up I was an egg donor twice! I loved it and it was very successful!! Then in 2008, my husband and I had met a wonderful couple that couldn't have children, and asked us to be their surrogate! We talked about it again, spoke with our children about it, our family members, and doctors.... It was an easy decision! We went ahead with the surrogacy and I delivered an adorable little boy in 2009! It was one of the most amazing experiences that I could have ever experienced! So it was only natural to want to do it again!! The same couple decided that they wanted to have another baby, so we went ahead and did another transfer in October, unfortunately it didn't take and the couple could not afford to try it again. We were then contacted by another couple to do a surrogacy for them. We met them in January, and decided it was a good fit!! Since we were seeing a different doctor for this, he had decided to do an entire checkup on me, even though I just had everything checked in October. 

I went in to the doctor in March, had all of my blood work, a pap, and a regular physical done. Everything seemed to be good! Until two weeks later when the doctor called and said, I'm sorry we cannot go further until you see your regular doctor! Well, what the heck doe stat mean?! He had said I had some abnormal cells on my cervix. Oh, that's it, is what I thought, so we just need to wait it out and I'll be fine, it will just take a little longer than expected! So I made an appointment right away with my GYN doctor, and the re-tested, and it too came back abnormal, so we did further testing called a colposcopy. During this test, there were cells that stood out too the doctor, so he took a couple samples and biopsies them. Now, now we waited two weeks!! Yes, two weeks for results!! At this time it was already mid-April... And finally after waiting two long weeks I got a call from the doctor! Finally, I thought, now we can continue on with the surrogacy! Only, what he said was NOT at allow what I expected! Jessica, he said, you have Cervical Cancer, we can not continue with the surrogacy and need to talk about your next steps to clear this up! What?! Seriously!? How, why, when! It isn't possible, I was just checked in October!! 

After the initial shock, I was then ready to do whatever I could to ensure that I would not have to deal with this again, because unfortunately this was the second time! The first time I had cervical cancer was in 2004 right after I had my daughter! They did a Leep, and put me on a low Dose of oral Chemo to treat it because they knew I wanted more children! This time, however I knew if I could not have children for other people, my husband and I were done, so I just wanted EVERYTHING out! Unfortunately, I have VA insurance, and not one doctor would do this! I was too young, 28, to do this! So the next step was a partial Hysterectomy! So May 1st, I went in for a partial. I was devastated, but at the same time knew that the more surgery done, the better my chances were of it not returning!! During this time the doctor started doing and in depth check up on me. I had pointed out that I had a knot above my right breast that was a little sore. He looked at it and said, oh that's no big deal, looks like a cyst, but why don't we go ahead and do a mammogram! Then we have an initial to go off of in the future! Sounds good to me! So we went in and did the mammo, and they came back and said, well you have really dense breast tissue and it makes it hard to read, so why don't we go ahead and get an MRI with contrast! Ummm, okay....so an MRI was done. I didn't hear anything back for a few weeks so, I thought, great now they have a basis to start with later in life, and things were just fine! :) WRONG!! I get a call three weeks later and they tell me, I have a lump on my left breast that Warrants a Biopsy, because it is typical shape and look of a cancerous tumor! WHAT?!?! Are your flipping serious!!?? Whatever!! Just do the damn biopsy then! Long story short, biopsy was done, it came back inconclusive, so they requested to do another biopsy, I refused and told them to take the whole lump! They agreed, and sent me in for a lumpectomy, that which took two weeks again, yes, two weeks! And then the doctor called, and it was positive,for Breast Cancer! What?! I am only 28!! It was at that point, my life changed, forever!