Must be a dream!

As I sit here late at night I realize all of the AMAZING people and things in my life that I am so very grateful for!! I still can not get over the fact that my mom, at age 50, got on an airplane for the very first time to come see me! Of course I wish it was for a better reason or under different circumstances, but non the less she is here!! My sister is here in California, also to see me for the second time! It is hard going through day to day life without your mom and sister, let alone Breast Cancer! :/ So having my mom and sister here for a week I am going to take advantage of that! I am spending so much time with them, talking and sharing, and just being in the same area as them! My kids have missed them, I have missed them, and even my husband I'm sure has missed them! ;)

So this week even with the weight of my shoulders, my grandmother still being gravely ill, I am going to do my best to soak up the time I have with them! Although my grandmother is seriously ill, I am beyond excited about her progress and so very proud to see a women that is so independent and strong remind us that even in this medical position, she is still the same grandma, mom, sister, and friend! The same one that makes the kids ask for a cookie before she gives it too the, lets the kids run in and out of her house as if it is their house, gives us advice even when the advice may be the truth that we don't want to hear, and the one that everyone turns to for advice, thoughts, and just because! She is an amazing woman that I could not imagine life without!!

My children have also become very independent during this whole process, and it scares me because they grow up so fast, it is gone in a blink of an eye!! My son is turning double digits in just a few months and my daughter is right behind him! Where does the time go!? It is so hard to try and capture all nickford the memories that you swear you'll never forget! Until one day they give you another memory that you will yet again swear that you will never forget! My kids are strong, big hearted, and stubborn, which is precisely why I know that after all is said and done, they will be that much stronger, big hearted and stubborn! Making them beat out the record again for the most amazing children!!

My husband, he is Mr. Mom for sure!! I am sure all of the school moms are jealous of my husbands amazing ability to juggle work, children, kids extra curricular activities, and still have time for me! He is more than I could have ever dreamt I deserved! I truly believe God has blessed me with the most amazing group of people in my life! And I could not have chosen a better husband, or father of my children! And for that I am eternally grateful!

From one extreme to the next!

February and March of this year seem so far away now! And so much has changed! It is such an extreme change to go from thinking that you are going to be helping a wonderful couple have a child; to being diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and then followed up by surgeries and a few months later getting another diagnosis of an extremely rare aggressive form of Breast Cancer that had already turned Invasive. Talk about being able to give an amazing gift to have that gift taken from you, and handed a hot, burning, red Coal! From that point it too has been up and down, back and forth. I have really hard, hellacious days that make me feel like the tiny pill bug on the ground that people like to step on. And other days I feel like I am the luckiest, happiest person in the world!

What I have found through this whole process is how much it hurts my children. You here, all the time, "the kids will be fine, they bounce back better than anyone!" However, it's impossible to turn your emotions off when your son has so many questions and concerns that your unsure how to address them. And your daughter reverts to ignoring everything that is happening so it is easier for her to get through each day! How do you reassure your children everything will be okay, when your not able to keep a level head about anything?! How do you look at your children and tell them to be patient, to be understanding when all that is happening is so contradictory? It's like taking them to the dentist to get teeth pulled and telling them that it isn't going to hurt afterwards! Or like telling them that favorite object in the whole world is no longer an option for them! It is impossible and makes absolutely NO Sense! As a mother, I should be able to show my children the comfort that they need! Hell, I brought life to other couple's children, brought love, life, hope, enthusiasm, and joy into the hearts of others! I was a role model for my children, I was supposed to be someone that my children to look at and know that I was a strong, loving, hard headed person that could do anything, and prove that love does have the best impact on outcome. Now, with this Rare Breast Cancer Hell that I'm fighting, I don't have the same hope, love, calmness, strong, hard headed personality! I look at my children, and my heart aches! I love them with more being than I feel I have, but how do I continue to show them that at my weakest, most volunteer able state of mind?! It is just not fair, and not for me, but my children! Why do they have to suffer? Why can't this happen in silence and allow them to continue on with life as normal as it is supposed to be?
All I can promise is to be the best I can be, one that will fight to give all of those things, all of them, to my children. And I will tell you this, if I can't I will know that I tried my damnedest! Oh, and I will make sure my children know, if not today, tomorrow, next week or next month, they WILL know that I did and will do anything and everything for them! And they will know this simply because I WILL beat this Hell and I WILL be back to me! Back to helping and providing love, care, passion, and hope to others!! There is no holding me down, not even The rarest of Breast Cancer! So, Cancer, instead of pulling me down, you can just Kiss my Ass!

More of my journey & surgery 2012-2013

Knowing you are not alone, that makes everything easier!

You hear your not alone, you know your not alone, but yet you feel alone... Your alone in your thoughts, your fears, your anger, hatred, frustrations, and anxiety! People say they understand or they want it understand. But the truth is NO ONE REALLY understands, but, I have found that there are others that go through similar situations, and are pretty close to understanding what you are going through. And this makes the feeling like your alone, go away, even if just for a moment. And in that or those moments it makes everything easier, calmer, more understandable. Everyone's case is different, even if it is the same type of cancer, and the same type of treatment! Some lose all their hair some lose the hair on their head, but not their eye brows, and eye lashes. Some get nauseous, some get tired, and some don't have hardly any issues what so ever! All I know is that the unkown of how I am going to react is irritating me more than ever now! With so many people being so different with the same types of treatment their so no way to know for sure if you will or will not act a certain way. You would think it would be pretty straight forward but it apparently depends on how big you are, how much you tolerate pain, how much you tolerate nausea, if you have reactions easy, if you are fighting a cold, if your depressed, if your constantly happy, or even if you are male or female. But, knowing that somewhere, someone has gone through a symptom that you will be going through and has gotten through it, means that I will too! I may be alone in my thoughts, and feelings and everything else I said, but I know I am not alone physically, emotionally, and certainly not spiritually! I know that this is just another step, just one more in a long, bumpy hellacious road, that will someday allow me to look back and be proud that I fought my way through it! Not only did I fight my way through it, I would be able to say I fought my way through it with the love and support if friends and family!!

Frustration... Continues!

I know everyone out there tells me that this will get better!! And I believe that this will get better, and I am aware that it will get worse eventually before it gets too much better! However tonight and today I have been on edge more than ever, and frustrated beyond what I have been up until this point! Let me paint a vivid picture... I not only have to take a handful of medication every twelve hours I also have to take a smaller handful of pills two other times in the day. They make my mouth, no matter how much I brush my teeth, floss, and rinse with mouth wash, (oh and occasionally eat those sweet treats that takes the taste away for a moment!) tastes like metal or medication! No matter what! I have major back and hip issues from breaking my lower back, hips and pelvis back in 2001, and normally sleep on my stomach to try and relieve some of that pain! Obviously sleeping on my tummy is out of the question! So one would think, sleep on your side! Oh yea, I have drains that come out of each side that prevents me from doing that, and even if I got my drains out, which should be Friday, November 9th, I have had major nerve damage done to my arms, should, armpits, and side of the chest wall, because of the extensive surgery that was done! SO... That leaves me with my back!mand well, there are only so many angles you can get in on your back! And until a few days ago I couldn't lay completely flat either! So needless to say my back is pretty damn sore!! No bed sores, I have been incredibly careful not to stay in one "angle" for too long. I get up and move around, it helps but, the longer I'm up the more I find myself hunching, to avoid the pressure and pain of my chest area. Oh, yea! One more thing, I have very very very limited use in my arms! My right arm especially! I have Lymphadema in it, and two Lymp Node ducts that have contracted do right it is tight enough to not allow me to lift my arm up all the way, straighten it all the way, and I certainly don't have the strength that I should! Obviously I am not supposed of use the strength even if I had it, but I would think my right arm would be MUCH stronger than my left since I am right handed, and they did more extensive work on the left side.... Boggles my mind!! You think of frustration, and you think, yea, of course that will make you crazy!! Oh but let's add on some more fun stuff!! Cause I am by far done! Lol I am not allowed, nor able to drive!! And going any where for any amount of time wears me completely out, plus it is hard to call up people who have jobs, families, and other stuff during the day that makes it hard if not impossible sometimes to get away! (And trust me I understand! I am not yelling at, blaming or angry with anyone, so please do not see it that way!) it is just hard to get out, that's all... Lets add a little hormones to the play in this! Since I had my partial back in May, my hormones have been up and down, back and forth. For all of you men out there, you are probably thinking, run run like hell! And yes, please do! Lol and all you women out there are probably thinking, I know exactly what she is talking about!! And trust me, you probably do!! But damnit, I thought maybe, just maybe I might get a break, I don't know why, or how, but I thought maybe I would, NOPE! Haha. And then we add on the topping of the cake! I am a mom, and I like to think I am a damn good mom. However since March I feel like I have literally taken my entire life, including my duties of being a mom! And that most of fall hurst more than anything! I woke the kids up and get the ready for school. I drive them to school and drop them off. I make sure they are picked up on time by being at their school early enough that they don't have to worry about who is picking them up and where they are. I make sure their homework is done, they have their snacks, take their showers, brush their teeth... I am the one who is supposed to make their life stable, easy, loving!! Not full of worry, wonderment, and anxiousness! And don't get me wrong my husband is the BEST "Mr. Mom"!!! He maybe can even do someone of it better than I do, but lets not tell him that! ;) but I am not doing it any more! I am not capable, awake enough, patient enough, or even happy enough to do it! And that just see s to add insult to injury for me because all my life, all I wanted was to be a mom, and to be the very best mom that is humanly possible! And topping that, my poor husband! Ugh! The hell I must be outing him through... I wish, truly wish that if I could protect anyone from all of this it would be him and my children! Not myself, but him and my children! This isn't fair to them, having to deal with all of this hell and frustration! Through all of this anger, depression, and frustration, I do realize that it is temporary, I WILL get through this, I will be a better stronger person for being able to get through the hell that has happened and that sits before me! Not only that, I know I. My heart of hearts, I am better of than many! I have a house, cars, a family, insurance, my kids are healthy, and lots of people that love me. So please know that if I could make everyone who is worse off than me, better off than me, I would do it in a heart beat! I would protect all of those people who were caught in the "Superstorm Sandy", I would take cancer time and time again over a child getting it!! I would lay down my life if I thought it would make the entire world better! I would do anything to take pain and heartache away from someone else! I just wish there was something I could do now, to take some of the pain and heartache away from my kids and husband! Luckily they are all extremely strong and are truly my rock!! Now, lets just pray for peace throughout the country, love with everyone, a cure for Cancer (all types!!) rest and relaxation for my husband, and less pain and frustration for me!! Xoxo

HAIR Today...gone tomorrow!

I am choosing to lose my hair on my terms, NOT when the Chemo decides too!! Click on the Link and see the invitation to this "Party". Thank  you for your support and caring!!



http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a4d334f546b304e6a553d0d0a&blogview=true

Now what??

After all is said and done, you know, or at least you think you know, you've got this! But as time goes on and people throw more and more at you and one surgery after another, and the look in your husband's eyes, and then your children's eyes! That is when you start to second guess everything about what you have done and wanted to do. Will I be around to take my kids to their next Christmas? Or be able to celebrate my anniversary with my amazing husband?? What IS going to to happen?? Well for starters most of the major surgery is done, still recovering and each day I think I get better something surprises me! Non the less, I am getting better, I just expect to be able to bounce back to normal and In this case, well I am going to have to just get use to the fact that, it really isn't going to happen that way! So I need it get off my high horse and just let it happen the way it needs to happen. I'm having a real issue with why all of this is happening, mainly at my age, and why me. Don't get me wrong, I am no angel nor do I wish this upon anyone else, but really, why me?? What exactly am I paying for?? What exactly did I do so very wrong that I am being punished, or made an example of? Would God really test me in this way or is this some other doing to try and bring me closer to God? And I swear the last thing I need to hear, because I hear it at least once a day, is, "God only gives you what you can handle". Really?? Is that so?? Because I am a firm believer in the fact that God does not give you something this horrible to "test" you! I believe he helps you through times like this or gives you people, places, tools, etc to help you through it, but I do not believe He would do this! I know growing up I was a hell child! I had issues, all through high school, in which It just got worse, however, I don't believe that I was that horrible to be punished this bad!! Not to mention I have done everything in my power to "redeem" my self, sort of speak. I joined the military, only to have that back fire in the worst of ways! I was "dropped" 25 feet in which I landed on my ass, and broke my lower SI joint, both of my hips, and my pelvis in two spots! Now that, that I thought was pay back for being a horrible teen! I was then, no longer able to serve my country, and that again I felt was payback, and felt like I needed to do more to make up for all I did that was wrong. So I moved away to better my life, grow up, and truly take charge! That is when, I felt, all of my luck went from,"walking Murphy's Law", to "luck of the Irish"! Which is frankly ironic! I am Irish, and my maiden name is Murphy!! Interesting huh!? But, in 2002, after my journey across country, I met my now, amazing husband Nick, I felt my luck changed at that point! It was pretty instant with me, I thought he was amazing, I fell for him, quick and hard! The more I learned about him and his family, the more I loved! I got to first meet his brother, Jonny, and his grandparents. All of which welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts! Well, his grandpa took a little convincing, however, he was just as stubborn as I was, so I think that made it much easier for us to get along! Soon, I was part of their family and we were building a family of our own! I had NEVER been happier in my whole life! Time went on, Nick and I got married, had two beautiful children, and couldn't have been happier! Until I was first diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, a heart condition and have to my Gallbladder taken out all within 6 weeks of delivering my adorable daughter! That is when I question yet again and have questioned off and on through the years about weather or not I am still being "punished" or tested, or something because I did something wrong!! I re-question this now again, and wonder what it is that I did so very wrong?! I know everyone tells me all the time, I am not being punished, however, if in am not, then why, why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to my family? They certainly do not deserve this!!! I too feel like I do not deserve this either, so how, how do I get through it and keep a level head? What steps do I take to ensure that for a change, my family will not have to go through hell again after the next two + years struggle?? What now? What do I do now?? How will I get through this and still be able to keep my head high? I need to be strong for my children and my husband, but how?? I just keep thinking that I am no where near the end and I am just wondering, when is that time going to hit again where I, yet again, say "what now"? I feel like I am strong, and doing well, but I am still such a basket case! I am so emotional and up and down with emotions, thoughts, hatred, and just plain tired!! Going into this I kept saying, I got this, I can do this, but as this process has taken shape and time continues on, I am just an unknown crazy case! It's not easy trying to explain what is happening to an 8 year old girl, and a 9 year old boy! Nor is it easy to be able to look at your husband and feel like you are a whole person, let alone a sexy women! Let me tell you, there is NOTHING sexy about having your cervix and uterus hacked up a few different times, and having scars all over your body, and then we get to add the fun fact that they took my DD Breasts and hacked them off!! I am lucky enough to have Expanders in place that they are able to inflate over time to give the illusion of breasts, a d will eventually be replaced with actual implants. However that, that does not change how I look right now, at this very moment! Oh!! Lets add a fun tidbit to this!! I will also within two weeks be losing all of my hair because of the aggressive Chemotherapy that in will be going through! So we now get to add baldness to the sexy scale! I am pretty sure I am going to look like a Man! Not a woman, a man! This process by far, has been and continues to be the most absolute hardest thing I have ever thought about and imagined I could have ever gone through, and here I am, going through it! It's not bad enough that I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 20, and then again at age 28, oh but this time around at age 28 we get to add on Breast Cancer!! Oh and you wanna hear the kicker?! I account for less than 1% of all breast cancer types that have ever been diagnosed!!! Meaning that the type of Breast Cancer that I have is THAT rare! Oh, oh, oh, oh!! And, this particular type, they are having a hard time finding someone, besides my self that has been diagnosed with this type under the age of 50! Hmmm... Now that, that only tells me that I must have done something so very wrong in a past life or something!! I mean come on, what are the odds?! Oh yea, less than 1%!! Sorry, I should not joke, but that is how I have been trying to deal with this, and get through it and still try to stay sane and still be able to look at my children or my husband without completely losing it! So my new goal is to blog bout what is happening, how I'm feeling, making sure I raise awareness and let everyone know that, NO ONE IS FREE AND CLEAR! It is possible for anyone, even men and children to get Breast Cancer. Yes it is more rare for a child or a man to get it, but it is NOT unheard of , and is possible! The other thing I would like to do in this process is find more women with a diagnosis the same as mine, and maybe find someone closer to my age! So the more this blog is read, shared, and Re-shared, maybe just maybe we will be able to come together as survivors (someday!) and help others through this process and prevent late stage Breast Cancer from happening, by being aware and finding it early enough!! Welcome to my journey in the fight of my life! The fight agains Metaplastic Carcinoma of the Breast! I will come out on top! I will be here for my children! I will be stronger and better in the end, will you help me to get there??

The beginning of what I thought was the end!!

My March started out a little different than most, I was going to be a surrogate for the second time!! I was so excited, I had been matched with the perfect couple, they got along with not only me, but my entire family!! Which is extremely important when carrying a child for someone else! But going into it would never prepare me for what was about to happen!! 

I have been fairly healthy my whole life, I have two children and a loving husband. Sure I have had issues with certain things throughout life, but who doesn't! So I wanted to help someone be as happy as I have been and was lucky enough to be. In 2006 I spoke with my husband and we decided we were going to help others have their family! I signed up, after quite a bit of talking and research, to become an egg donor!! Shortly after signing up I was an egg donor twice! I loved it and it was very successful!! Then in 2008, my husband and I had met a wonderful couple that couldn't have children, and asked us to be their surrogate! We talked about it again, spoke with our children about it, our family members, and doctors.... It was an easy decision! We went ahead with the surrogacy and I delivered an adorable little boy in 2009! It was one of the most amazing experiences that I could have ever experienced! So it was only natural to want to do it again!! The same couple decided that they wanted to have another baby, so we went ahead and did another transfer in October, unfortunately it didn't take and the couple could not afford to try it again. We were then contacted by another couple to do a surrogacy for them. We met them in January, and decided it was a good fit!! Since we were seeing a different doctor for this, he had decided to do an entire checkup on me, even though I just had everything checked in October. 

I went in to the doctor in March, had all of my blood work, a pap, and a regular physical done. Everything seemed to be good! Until two weeks later when the doctor called and said, I'm sorry we cannot go further until you see your regular doctor! Well, what the heck doe stat mean?! He had said I had some abnormal cells on my cervix. Oh, that's it, is what I thought, so we just need to wait it out and I'll be fine, it will just take a little longer than expected! So I made an appointment right away with my GYN doctor, and the re-tested, and it too came back abnormal, so we did further testing called a colposcopy. During this test, there were cells that stood out too the doctor, so he took a couple samples and biopsies them. Now, now we waited two weeks!! Yes, two weeks for results!! At this time it was already mid-April... And finally after waiting two long weeks I got a call from the doctor! Finally, I thought, now we can continue on with the surrogacy! Only, what he said was NOT at allow what I expected! Jessica, he said, you have Cervical Cancer, we can not continue with the surrogacy and need to talk about your next steps to clear this up! What?! Seriously!? How, why, when! It isn't possible, I was just checked in October!! 

After the initial shock, I was then ready to do whatever I could to ensure that I would not have to deal with this again, because unfortunately this was the second time! The first time I had cervical cancer was in 2004 right after I had my daughter! They did a Leep, and put me on a low Dose of oral Chemo to treat it because they knew I wanted more children! This time, however I knew if I could not have children for other people, my husband and I were done, so I just wanted EVERYTHING out! Unfortunately, I have VA insurance, and not one doctor would do this! I was too young, 28, to do this! So the next step was a partial Hysterectomy! So May 1st, I went in for a partial. I was devastated, but at the same time knew that the more surgery done, the better my chances were of it not returning!! During this time the doctor started doing and in depth check up on me. I had pointed out that I had a knot above my right breast that was a little sore. He looked at it and said, oh that's no big deal, looks like a cyst, but why don't we go ahead and do a mammogram! Then we have an initial to go off of in the future! Sounds good to me! So we went in and did the mammo, and they came back and said, well you have really dense breast tissue and it makes it hard to read, so why don't we go ahead and get an MRI with contrast! Ummm, okay....so an MRI was done. I didn't hear anything back for a few weeks so, I thought, great now they have a basis to start with later in life, and things were just fine! :) WRONG!! I get a call three weeks later and they tell me, I have a lump on my left breast that Warrants a Biopsy, because it is typical shape and look of a cancerous tumor! WHAT?!?! Are your flipping serious!!?? Whatever!! Just do the damn biopsy then! Long story short, biopsy was done, it came back inconclusive, so they requested to do another biopsy, I refused and told them to take the whole lump! They agreed, and sent me in for a lumpectomy, that which took two weeks again, yes, two weeks! And then the doctor called, and it was positive,for Breast Cancer! What?! I am only 28!! It was at that point, my life changed, forever!