10 Year Wedding Anniversary

So, December 31st is my husband, Nick and I's wedding Anniversary!! Woot woot we made it to 10!!!!! But what is even more amazing is we have made it through a lot and still have a lot to go through! We have dealt with the early birth of our son Andrew, very scary, but has grown up to be a wonderful young man that turns Ten in February! WOW!!! And then a miscarriage of another child, then the birth of our daughter Mecina, who turns Nine in January!! Also WOW!!! Following her birth the SURPRISE of being pregnant with multiples, which we also miscarried due to me having major health issues! The same year our daughter came into our lives, 2004, we had this miscarriage, I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse (a heart condition in which the heart regurgitates blood, due to the Mitral Valve not being able to completely close), Severe gallstones, resulting in emergency Gallbladder surgery, and then icing that large Cake with the Diagnosis of Cervical Cancer! Resulting in more minor surgeries and a "light" dose of Chemo! Luckily it was an oral medication that was able to be taken from May thru September, with a final "All Clear" in October 2004! HUGE Year! Luckily with monthly check ups for six months then six months check ups things looked great! We continued on with our lives, running a wonderful Daycare for close family and friends, and my husband working for the family business! We also decided to look into other ventures that would be able to help others out as well! I was introduced to a woman in my doctor's office whom had had numerous miscarriages because her eggs were not of "good quality". This to me, was heart breaking!! I had a conversation over a few months that resulted in. Me wanting to donate my eggs! We were both excited to be able to help someone in need! about two months after we made this decision to donate, I was chosen by a couple and started the process, in which I donated my eggs! Two months following this I was chosen again, by another couple, and donated again! It was a very fulfilling, a great experience, not only for my husband and I but for my children as well! We were happy, healthy and wanted more, a house! The time came to buy a house, and whelp, that seemed impossible in California in 2006! So we were looking in both California and in Illinois! We ended up finding a house that we fell in love with that we thought we could buy, live in for a few years while remodeling and then sell it for profit making it the perfect opportunity to buy our dream house! We signed the Papers in December 2006 & moved a few months later cross country, to Illinois, where it was cold, far away from the family we have had support us for the entire time we had been married and away from security! But we moved into hope, dreams, expectations and the love of my family! I loved it we had a huge, wonderful house, the kids got to know their family from Illinois, my husband had time to grow a business from scratch and do wonderfully at it! Things were going exactly to plan! I had two great jobs! I worked at a little Gas Station, Casey's General Store, and a Bank, Erie State Bank, I worked with people I had known growing up, I loved my jobs and it was nice to be able to work while my husband was taking time for himself and growing a business from scratch! I had become increasingly close with my Mom and sister again! Life was great! And then November came and along with it a hard working sister whom fell asleep at the wheel! In the instant I got a phone call from my mom, on my sister's phone, I know something had happen! I immediately turned the car around and headed to the hospital! I met my mom there just in time to see them wheeling my sister out on a stretcher to the helicopter! All she would say was, "I'm sorry!" She wouldn't say anything else! In that instant the pain in my heart and in my mothers eyes, it was evident! We were from that moment on, on a mission, we were going to make it to Iowa City in Record time!! We called Matt, our brother, who luckily was closer than anyone and was able to be there for her for her when she arrived! I called Allyson, a close friend of mine, and she met us in Clinton, IA and road with Mom and I to Iowa City, all the way we were ALL THREE smoking like a chimney & making phone call after phone call!! She had some bleeding on the brain, and was stubborn as hell, but in nine months time was alright! That was one of the hardest heart tugging experiences of my life! After that scary moment, I had reevaluated my life and realized that no matter what I needed to do something to further my education to be able to provide for my family if, God forbid something would happen to Nick! So I continued to take classes that I had started here in California to go towards getting my Nurse Practitioner's license! During finishing up for my pre-reqs, I was approached by my Egg Donation agency about doing Surrogacy! After talking about it off and on for a couple years and then in great detail again during this time, we decided to go ahead with it! We met the couple, an AMAZING couple, and connected right away and started the process of trying to get pregnant! In March 2009, we found out we were pregnant!! Yay! I was so excited to tell the Intended Parents!! This meant a perfect Christmas Present for them!!! Things with the pregnancy were pretty good, the agency was not so good, and that is whole long other story, but non the less they ended up NOT being part of this joyous process! But we went on with the pregnancy and found out that they were expecting a boy!! They were excited for once this was said, they could start buying everything they wanted!! :) it was exciting! I continued to grow while I was still going to school, finished my pre-reqs, and continued on with my CNA and Life Flight certificate! It was SUCH an exciting time for me! I was making a life to be proud of for my self, my husband, and my children, not to mention the incredible experience we were all going through bringing this child into the world for an excellent couple, who deserved this more than anyone in the world!! During this time it was decided that I would not work until after delivery and then I would find a new job in my NEW field! :) So, October came, I celebrated my birthday, and enjoyed it, and then November came and it was COLD! Not full of snow, or much rain, but it was cold and I had a handful of times where I would have contractions and they would have to stope them, and did, and then I was finally on meds that stopped them and relaxed me! And then, we got a call, a call that No one, was ever expecting! No one would ever want to get! We were in Illinois and I got a call from my Mother-in-law and she had said that my Brother-in-law, Jonny had passed away, Nick's brother, his best friend!! Never in my life had my heart ever been so heart broken! Nick was devastated, we all were! I just couldn't believe it, I still can't believe it! But, we got on the computer booked a flight for him to be back in California by the next day! He needed to be here, but I couldn't come! It didn't matter, he HAD to be here! He NEEDED to be here! And I am glad he was here, for him, is family and friends! It was heart breaking, but it was good he was here! A few days later, November 21st, 2009, I was a bit depressed lounging around the house and my brother, Matt who was staying with me, decided to take me out shopping for the day! Yay!! Nothing like Christmas Shopping to get your mind off of things! So we went shooting with Momma Jean, and Sis Maddie! Followed up by Amazing Mexican food at a local Bar and Grill! Yum yum yum! It was so good, I took a picture of it and sent it to my Hubby! Lol he was trying to relax by going to the movie theater with the family! So when I got home he said, try not to call me for the next two hours, I'm going to be in a movie! :) Okay, no biggy, just give me a call when your out of the movie theater! :) So after a long day shopping and eating, my brother and I were finally relaxing on the couch, not long after my mom and sister went home, after taking care of my kids and giving them a bath and put into bed! Of course my cat, Fence, had another idea! She wanted outside! FINE, I yelled at her, so I drug my tired fat butt up off the couch, to go let her out, opened the door, she ran out, closed the door and turned around, and my water broke! Right there, right in the hallway, four weeks before due date! My husband across the country going to his brother's funeral the next day, and my intended parents six hours from my house, and my brother, sitting there, in denial asking me if I really just maybe, peed myself instead! Lol WOW, one of the most important things we were doing as a family for another couple to give them their family, I now had to do without my husband! And I also had to pray that the parents could make it to the hospital in one piece, and on time! Ugh!! Talk about stress, oh, but wait, my contractions, had stopped!!! Thank God! So I called my husband, yes just 1/2 hour into the movie, during the movie! Lol, and the intended parents! My brother, who was worried he would have to deliver a baby from his sister, that's not even her baby! Hahaha he calmed down after a minute and called Mom, my sister, Alicia, my friend and Doula, Allyson, and my Aunt, to watch the kids! We made it to the hospital within the hour, in which I refused to let them start Pitocin until we got within 30 minutes of the parents getting there since I was already a four! Once the parents got there, I delivered very quickly, no epidural, which by the way was NOT my idea, but is another story in itself! In the very early morning of November 22nd I delivered a baby boy to the intended Parents! In which they named after me at the very last moment, Jesse, he was a healthy beautiful baby!! And the parents were happier then I had EVER, seen them! They immediately had the connection and the, "Oh My God, we are parents!" Look on their faces! It was the most amazing, incredible, surreal experience! So many different emotions felt in such a short week! But it was amazing non-the less! I still keep in close touch with the family! He is now three years old, and happy as can be with amazing parents and family! Shortly after the loss of Jonny we realized, we needed to be back out here in California! We decide in 2010 to put our house that we had completely remodeled, up for sale and move back to California! This time, Nick's mom flew out to Illinois and made the drive back with us! We made it a vacation a long the way and stopped at quite a few Vacation places, including Mount Rushmore, at which our son, got three fingers crushed in a door :(, and the corn Palace and Yellowstone! It was an amazing seven day trip back to California! We were happy to be back! This trip lead us into all of the most recent fun and hellacious stories of our current life! :( a lot is happening right now, but I am hoping that someday, in the near future I will get that spark back and be able to show my family how strong I am! Right now I just count Every single blessing that I have had and will get and cherish every single one! Like celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary, with my most amazing, loving, understanding, and patient husband! The BEST husband in the world to still be here with me! I love you more today that I did yesterday, and I will love you more tomorrow that I do today!! I love you Nick, Happy Anniversary!! And a very very Happy Birthday to our Amazing Grandma Baker! Happy 75th Grandma and here is to many more happy years to come for us all!!

The start of Phase two!

So my Port for the Chemo has finally been scheduled to be placed on January 3rd, 2013! That is3 1/2 months following my diagnosis! I am ready but nervous and sick to my stomach all in one!

1) I am ready to start this process to get the Chemotherapy done and over with! Once it is started I know there will be a finish date projected! This also means that the initial hellacious surgeries are done and over with!! Yay!! Don't get me wrong I know I have many more surgeries and things I need to do before I am done, however, I can address the Breast Cancer easier when I look at it through stages! :)

2) Nervous for obvious reasons! This is Chemotherapy not a ride in the car or my wisdom teeth getting taken out! Nervous about the side effects, how it is going to affect my children, my husband, and all of our futures! I am praying that I move through this swiftly and effortlessly! I know that there are many instances where people go through Chemo and fly through it with just a little tired side effects and some nausea! Please, please, please pray that is me!! Those that know me are guessing that is NOT going to be me unfortunately, which brings me to reason #3!

3) Sick to my stomach knowing that I have a unique chemical makeup that allows me to react to A LOT of medications negatively! And sick to my stomach because I am walking Murphy's Law! (Ironic, as my Maiden name is Murphy!) I am staying positive, but knowing me and the doctors are even expecting me to have at least a minimal reaction and have already ordered A Benadryl drip to help counter act any reactions! :/ not sure how I feel about this! Lol not to mention there are all of the other negative side effects of the medicine too, the ones that almost everyone gets... Being tired, puking, hot sweats, low blood levels, etc etc....

Wow! Step two is such a doozie! But once step two is done step three will be MUCH easier!! :) Just praying for time to pass quickly and things to be as easy as possible!! God knows I am asking a lot, when others could certainly use more luck, prayers and love. But if I could possibly, get any of those?! That, that would be great!! From this point on I will do my best to keep updates coming, especially since I think it will keep me out of the "Nut House"!

Christmas Time!!

First I would like to start this post by saying I am completely and deeply saddened by the most recent tragedy, the shootings in Connecticut! My heart aches in pain for the families and friends of those lost! This horrible, horrible thing should NEVER have ever happened!! And as many of you know I have struggled with my Insurance in the past, present and probably the future! And while I like the fact that Birth Control is required to be covered by insurance, I would gladly give up those rights to someone in need of Mental Health Care Coverage! Why is it that it is Not required to cover Mental Health?? I have never understood this, don't understand this, nor will I ever, probably, be able to understand it!! Let me just end this bit by saying may God Rest their souls, and bring closure and support to the families and friends!!

On another note, and a very selfish one at that after the horrible tragedy in Connecticut....
My family and I have been, since March of this year (2012), on a whirlwind of emotions, depression, happiness, thankfulness, gratefulness (no they are not the same thing (: ), tiredness, confusion, anger, and blessings! ~ I am sure I missed some kind of feeling or emotion in their somewhere! AT ANY RATE, we have been through a lot! Starting this year as well I was brought into a company, in February, that was everything I was hoping for, wishing for and praying for! Along with that company came great friends (which included great family members, of those friends, I got to know). This company, Home Value Experts, LLC; had just started and with hiring me, was taking a, well, leap of faith! You see going into this company, I thought I was going to be a Surrogate!! (Which I was in the middle of working on) I thought, oh this is going to be hard to give them everything and then be missing time for appointments, and ultimately time off for the birth! The owners, however, knew of this, and were completely 100% on board!! They were absolutely okay with the situation as long as I kept them in the loop of everything! DEAL! That was wonderful! Here I had a great job, and GREAT people that I worked with and for, and I was going to be a Surrogate for a wonderful couple! HOWEVER, God changed my plans and decided that I was not able to be a Surrogate again, and in fact I had to prove to Him how strong I was! With Cervical Cancer diagnosed in March (just 1 month after being hired!), and Breast Cancer in September, how was this even remotely fair to this company that took a leap of faith on me?!?! It wasn't! And in the midst of all the appointments, the news, as crappy as it was, stood my office, full of open, loving caring hearts!! They have stood by myself and my family since day one, without a wavier! I have unfortunately been off work since my birthday, October 18th, my last day their, thus far, and still have no idea when I could possibly return! But they, they are just supporting this process and supporting my family, with love, compassion, and prayers! This has made this entire process easier, doable, manageable, and strengthening, to know good people are still out their!! Unfortunately, during this time I have not been able to work, it makes it harder to pay the bills. While we are still floating and we are not as bad off as some. And I am grateful for the help, support and prayers we get and have gotten!! And not only from my work but my Husband's work and family! My husband's work is AMAZING!! They are understanding, caring and loving (and Family). They have been their for the past 11 years for me, and now through this they are here for me yet again in the biggest of ways! They are our rock, our understanding and support! And we certainly could not do this without them either! They have been what keeps us going, what has kept us afloat, what keeps our spirits high, a security in knowing my Husband is secure in a job as well! I am grateful we have been able to get by this long without struggling too much!! The fact of the matter is we are not sure how long we can tread water before it becomes too much with all of the running back and forth, medical stays, holidays, birthdays, sicknesses, and setbacks... So a friend of mine has set up a small donation site that will help us raise money to stay above water through the holidays!! I am grateful and blessed for all we do have and will have!! With as much heart ache and pain as this brings, it also brings love, blessings and heart warming!! May God Bless each and Every one this Holiday Season!!!


http://www.giveforward.com/rejessification

Ton of bricks!

The time is has taken to get from point "A" to point "B" is taking a lot longer than expected! However I do know that this is a long process with a ton of setbacks. Durning this process I have been reading, writing, thinking, researching, talking with survivors, current women going through this, and different doctors and specialists. Almost all of which have said I need to watch Parenthood. So, since I have had all this "down time" on my hands. I have found connections with this show in different ways! One of which is the fact that my son is a spitting image of "Max" on the show! He has a slightly better control on his anger, but it did NOT use to be like that, nor is it controlled all the time! And the craziness with the family, but the shared love! That is totally my family, and my husband's family! :) I absolutely LOVE both of our families! And the discussions, get togethers, and the love that is shared and felt is just so amazing! And now, this season that I have finally caught up to, it is well a little to close for comfort! I am only a couple of shows into the new season and I didn't realize how many emotions I still have locked up inside! How angry I still am, how sad I still am, how frustrated I still am, how confused I still am, and how fresh everything still is! I understand that this portion of what I am dealing with is all still fairly new, however... I am tired of looking over my shoulder, which by the way, I have been doing since 2004 when I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer! Then again this year in March and wham, surprise surprise I have Breast Cancer too!! Oh and not only that I have a rare form of Breast Cancer and I am still fighting with the Doctors about doing everything in a timely manor and not treating me like a statistic instead if a patient! At the beginning it started out as a lump, "oh maybe it is just a fatty tumor, lets just biopsy it". During the biopsy they tell me they think it is suspicious in nature, really!! Wow,now when you are poking around and can't numb the whole area you say it is suspicious in nature!? Oh!! And to top it off when they can't get the Biopsy, because it is too far into the breast and in a really hard area to get too, they want to do ANOTHER biopsy and initially REFUSED my request for a Lumpectomy! You know why?? Because I'm too young, too young for it to likely be Cancer, too young to disfigure my breast, and too young not to try and do another Biopsy. They also said if the 2nd Biopsy came back inconclusive, that they would just wait and watch the tumor and try again if it changed in nature. However, me being me, and being "Walking Murphy's Law", I fought and argued why I should have a Lumpectomy opposed to another BS Biopsy! Finally over a month later they agreed to do the Lumpectomy! No, I was not happy I was having a Lumpectomy, but I was happy that I wasn't just sitting there wandering and worrying about what this tumor was made of or what it was doing, growing, not growing, spreading, not spreading. So the Lumpectomy was done, and I was told that the results would be back within two weeks! A long two weeks passed, in fact it was at the two week mark I celebrated and was thinking everything was great! Two weeks and one day after surgery, I got up met with a friend of mine, telling her how excited I was about NOT hearing news, And that I had an appointment the following Monday with the surgeon for a Post-Op! After leaving there I went to work and was doing great being happy, having a lot to do keeping me busy. They I remember my phone ringing, and it was Unknown... The only person that calls from an unknown number is Travis Air Force Base, where I was getting my breast care done. I immediately answered not thinking, still happy as can be, until I heard the Doctor's voice. All of the sudden September 18th Turned into hell on earth when the words Cancer hit me like a ton of bricks! The second ton hit me when he said, you had No clear margins, meaning that, well they did not get everything! So if this would have been left, then what? What would I be looking at now, or even three months from now! And from that moment on he said, "this is something we need to take care of right away! It appears to be a rare form of Breast Cancer!" WOW! Ummmm okay! So it was set to discuss during my next appointment on the following Monday, September 25th. Not much more information was given then, except that I needed to meet with the doctor that would be doing the reconstructive surgery also! That was Scheduled for the following Tuesday, October 2nd, in which I meet with my surgeon, a new surgeon. That was taking over his cases because he was being deployed, I also met with my reconstructive surgeon, and with the Breast Care Coordinator that was going to be there to advocate for me during this whole process. At that particular moment they had me scheduled to do a Bilateral Radical Mastectomy with Lymph Node Dissection, two days from then on October 4th! Even more tons thrown at my husband and I! We had discussed it with the doctor and decided that we were not ready for this! It was too soon, we didn't have anything ready, I personally was not emotionally ready for this, although hind sight, never really was, or am I still! So the surgery was pushed off until October 19th, the day after my 29th Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Hahaha although the surgery is done, and has been fighting me with healing correctly, ever hing is still just so raw emotionally, and just irritating because this is not something that I am bouncing back from, like I have in the past, like I feel I should be able too! Like I need to be able to for me, for my kids, for my husband! It isn't fair! I should be able to be happy, healthy and relaxed! Instead I am not healthy, relaxed or happy! I am everything but! Oh, and one more thing, and this is coming from a book that I am currently reading and just can't stop thinking about, so I'm just going to end with it, because it is so very true, "you truly find out who your true friends are!" Right at first, everyone is their, EVERYWHERE, overwhelming almost, then life continues one, people that said they would be there, disappear, and everyone just assumes. After surgery is done, life goes back to normal. Unfortunately, life is everything but Normal! And I am sorry for that, but those that mind, don't matter and those that matter, don't mind!