Ton of bricks!

The time is has taken to get from point "A" to point "B" is taking a lot longer than expected! However I do know that this is a long process with a ton of setbacks. Durning this process I have been reading, writing, thinking, researching, talking with survivors, current women going through this, and different doctors and specialists. Almost all of which have said I need to watch Parenthood. So, since I have had all this "down time" on my hands. I have found connections with this show in different ways! One of which is the fact that my son is a spitting image of "Max" on the show! He has a slightly better control on his anger, but it did NOT use to be like that, nor is it controlled all the time! And the craziness with the family, but the shared love! That is totally my family, and my husband's family! :) I absolutely LOVE both of our families! And the discussions, get togethers, and the love that is shared and felt is just so amazing! And now, this season that I have finally caught up to, it is well a little to close for comfort! I am only a couple of shows into the new season and I didn't realize how many emotions I still have locked up inside! How angry I still am, how sad I still am, how frustrated I still am, how confused I still am, and how fresh everything still is! I understand that this portion of what I am dealing with is all still fairly new, however... I am tired of looking over my shoulder, which by the way, I have been doing since 2004 when I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer! Then again this year in March and wham, surprise surprise I have Breast Cancer too!! Oh and not only that I have a rare form of Breast Cancer and I am still fighting with the Doctors about doing everything in a timely manor and not treating me like a statistic instead if a patient! At the beginning it started out as a lump, "oh maybe it is just a fatty tumor, lets just biopsy it". During the biopsy they tell me they think it is suspicious in nature, really!! Wow,now when you are poking around and can't numb the whole area you say it is suspicious in nature!? Oh!! And to top it off when they can't get the Biopsy, because it is too far into the breast and in a really hard area to get too, they want to do ANOTHER biopsy and initially REFUSED my request for a Lumpectomy! You know why?? Because I'm too young, too young for it to likely be Cancer, too young to disfigure my breast, and too young not to try and do another Biopsy. They also said if the 2nd Biopsy came back inconclusive, that they would just wait and watch the tumor and try again if it changed in nature. However, me being me, and being "Walking Murphy's Law", I fought and argued why I should have a Lumpectomy opposed to another BS Biopsy! Finally over a month later they agreed to do the Lumpectomy! No, I was not happy I was having a Lumpectomy, but I was happy that I wasn't just sitting there wandering and worrying about what this tumor was made of or what it was doing, growing, not growing, spreading, not spreading. So the Lumpectomy was done, and I was told that the results would be back within two weeks! A long two weeks passed, in fact it was at the two week mark I celebrated and was thinking everything was great! Two weeks and one day after surgery, I got up met with a friend of mine, telling her how excited I was about NOT hearing news, And that I had an appointment the following Monday with the surgeon for a Post-Op! After leaving there I went to work and was doing great being happy, having a lot to do keeping me busy. They I remember my phone ringing, and it was Unknown... The only person that calls from an unknown number is Travis Air Force Base, where I was getting my breast care done. I immediately answered not thinking, still happy as can be, until I heard the Doctor's voice. All of the sudden September 18th Turned into hell on earth when the words Cancer hit me like a ton of bricks! The second ton hit me when he said, you had No clear margins, meaning that, well they did not get everything! So if this would have been left, then what? What would I be looking at now, or even three months from now! And from that moment on he said, "this is something we need to take care of right away! It appears to be a rare form of Breast Cancer!" WOW! Ummmm okay! So it was set to discuss during my next appointment on the following Monday, September 25th. Not much more information was given then, except that I needed to meet with the doctor that would be doing the reconstructive surgery also! That was Scheduled for the following Tuesday, October 2nd, in which I meet with my surgeon, a new surgeon. That was taking over his cases because he was being deployed, I also met with my reconstructive surgeon, and with the Breast Care Coordinator that was going to be there to advocate for me during this whole process. At that particular moment they had me scheduled to do a Bilateral Radical Mastectomy with Lymph Node Dissection, two days from then on October 4th! Even more tons thrown at my husband and I! We had discussed it with the doctor and decided that we were not ready for this! It was too soon, we didn't have anything ready, I personally was not emotionally ready for this, although hind sight, never really was, or am I still! So the surgery was pushed off until October 19th, the day after my 29th Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Hahaha although the surgery is done, and has been fighting me with healing correctly, ever hing is still just so raw emotionally, and just irritating because this is not something that I am bouncing back from, like I have in the past, like I feel I should be able too! Like I need to be able to for me, for my kids, for my husband! It isn't fair! I should be able to be happy, healthy and relaxed! Instead I am not healthy, relaxed or happy! I am everything but! Oh, and one more thing, and this is coming from a book that I am currently reading and just can't stop thinking about, so I'm just going to end with it, because it is so very true, "you truly find out who your true friends are!" Right at first, everyone is their, EVERYWHERE, overwhelming almost, then life continues one, people that said they would be there, disappear, and everyone just assumes. After surgery is done, life goes back to normal. Unfortunately, life is everything but Normal! And I am sorry for that, but those that mind, don't matter and those that matter, don't mind!