Frustration... Continues!

I know everyone out there tells me that this will get better!! And I believe that this will get better, and I am aware that it will get worse eventually before it gets too much better! However tonight and today I have been on edge more than ever, and frustrated beyond what I have been up until this point! Let me paint a vivid picture... I not only have to take a handful of medication every twelve hours I also have to take a smaller handful of pills two other times in the day. They make my mouth, no matter how much I brush my teeth, floss, and rinse with mouth wash, (oh and occasionally eat those sweet treats that takes the taste away for a moment!) tastes like metal or medication! No matter what! I have major back and hip issues from breaking my lower back, hips and pelvis back in 2001, and normally sleep on my stomach to try and relieve some of that pain! Obviously sleeping on my tummy is out of the question! So one would think, sleep on your side! Oh yea, I have drains that come out of each side that prevents me from doing that, and even if I got my drains out, which should be Friday, November 9th, I have had major nerve damage done to my arms, should, armpits, and side of the chest wall, because of the extensive surgery that was done! SO... That leaves me with my back!mand well, there are only so many angles you can get in on your back! And until a few days ago I couldn't lay completely flat either! So needless to say my back is pretty damn sore!! No bed sores, I have been incredibly careful not to stay in one "angle" for too long. I get up and move around, it helps but, the longer I'm up the more I find myself hunching, to avoid the pressure and pain of my chest area. Oh, yea! One more thing, I have very very very limited use in my arms! My right arm especially! I have Lymphadema in it, and two Lymp Node ducts that have contracted do right it is tight enough to not allow me to lift my arm up all the way, straighten it all the way, and I certainly don't have the strength that I should! Obviously I am not supposed of use the strength even if I had it, but I would think my right arm would be MUCH stronger than my left since I am right handed, and they did more extensive work on the left side.... Boggles my mind!! You think of frustration, and you think, yea, of course that will make you crazy!! Oh but let's add on some more fun stuff!! Cause I am by far done! Lol I am not allowed, nor able to drive!! And going any where for any amount of time wears me completely out, plus it is hard to call up people who have jobs, families, and other stuff during the day that makes it hard if not impossible sometimes to get away! (And trust me I understand! I am not yelling at, blaming or angry with anyone, so please do not see it that way!) it is just hard to get out, that's all... Lets add a little hormones to the play in this! Since I had my partial back in May, my hormones have been up and down, back and forth. For all of you men out there, you are probably thinking, run run like hell! And yes, please do! Lol and all you women out there are probably thinking, I know exactly what she is talking about!! And trust me, you probably do!! But damnit, I thought maybe, just maybe I might get a break, I don't know why, or how, but I thought maybe I would, NOPE! Haha. And then we add on the topping of the cake! I am a mom, and I like to think I am a damn good mom. However since March I feel like I have literally taken my entire life, including my duties of being a mom! And that most of fall hurst more than anything! I woke the kids up and get the ready for school. I drive them to school and drop them off. I make sure they are picked up on time by being at their school early enough that they don't have to worry about who is picking them up and where they are. I make sure their homework is done, they have their snacks, take their showers, brush their teeth... I am the one who is supposed to make their life stable, easy, loving!! Not full of worry, wonderment, and anxiousness! And don't get me wrong my husband is the BEST "Mr. Mom"!!! He maybe can even do someone of it better than I do, but lets not tell him that! ;) but I am not doing it any more! I am not capable, awake enough, patient enough, or even happy enough to do it! And that just see s to add insult to injury for me because all my life, all I wanted was to be a mom, and to be the very best mom that is humanly possible! And topping that, my poor husband! Ugh! The hell I must be outing him through... I wish, truly wish that if I could protect anyone from all of this it would be him and my children! Not myself, but him and my children! This isn't fair to them, having to deal with all of this hell and frustration! Through all of this anger, depression, and frustration, I do realize that it is temporary, I WILL get through this, I will be a better stronger person for being able to get through the hell that has happened and that sits before me! Not only that, I know I. My heart of hearts, I am better of than many! I have a house, cars, a family, insurance, my kids are healthy, and lots of people that love me. So please know that if I could make everyone who is worse off than me, better off than me, I would do it in a heart beat! I would protect all of those people who were caught in the "Superstorm Sandy", I would take cancer time and time again over a child getting it!! I would lay down my life if I thought it would make the entire world better! I would do anything to take pain and heartache away from someone else! I just wish there was something I could do now, to take some of the pain and heartache away from my kids and husband! Luckily they are all extremely strong and are truly my rock!! Now, lets just pray for peace throughout the country, love with everyone, a cure for Cancer (all types!!) rest and relaxation for my husband, and less pain and frustration for me!! Xoxo