From one extreme to the next!

February and March of this year seem so far away now! And so much has changed! It is such an extreme change to go from thinking that you are going to be helping a wonderful couple have a child; to being diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and then followed up by surgeries and a few months later getting another diagnosis of an extremely rare aggressive form of Breast Cancer that had already turned Invasive. Talk about being able to give an amazing gift to have that gift taken from you, and handed a hot, burning, red Coal! From that point it too has been up and down, back and forth. I have really hard, hellacious days that make me feel like the tiny pill bug on the ground that people like to step on. And other days I feel like I am the luckiest, happiest person in the world!

What I have found through this whole process is how much it hurts my children. You here, all the time, "the kids will be fine, they bounce back better than anyone!" However, it's impossible to turn your emotions off when your son has so many questions and concerns that your unsure how to address them. And your daughter reverts to ignoring everything that is happening so it is easier for her to get through each day! How do you reassure your children everything will be okay, when your not able to keep a level head about anything?! How do you look at your children and tell them to be patient, to be understanding when all that is happening is so contradictory? It's like taking them to the dentist to get teeth pulled and telling them that it isn't going to hurt afterwards! Or like telling them that favorite object in the whole world is no longer an option for them! It is impossible and makes absolutely NO Sense! As a mother, I should be able to show my children the comfort that they need! Hell, I brought life to other couple's children, brought love, life, hope, enthusiasm, and joy into the hearts of others! I was a role model for my children, I was supposed to be someone that my children to look at and know that I was a strong, loving, hard headed person that could do anything, and prove that love does have the best impact on outcome. Now, with this Rare Breast Cancer Hell that I'm fighting, I don't have the same hope, love, calmness, strong, hard headed personality! I look at my children, and my heart aches! I love them with more being than I feel I have, but how do I continue to show them that at my weakest, most volunteer able state of mind?! It is just not fair, and not for me, but my children! Why do they have to suffer? Why can't this happen in silence and allow them to continue on with life as normal as it is supposed to be?
All I can promise is to be the best I can be, one that will fight to give all of those things, all of them, to my children. And I will tell you this, if I can't I will know that I tried my damnedest! Oh, and I will make sure my children know, if not today, tomorrow, next week or next month, they WILL know that I did and will do anything and everything for them! And they will know this simply because I WILL beat this Hell and I WILL be back to me! Back to helping and providing love, care, passion, and hope to others!! There is no holding me down, not even The rarest of Breast Cancer! So, Cancer, instead of pulling me down, you can just Kiss my Ass!