Now what??

After all is said and done, you know, or at least you think you know, you've got this! But as time goes on and people throw more and more at you and one surgery after another, and the look in your husband's eyes, and then your children's eyes! That is when you start to second guess everything about what you have done and wanted to do. Will I be around to take my kids to their next Christmas? Or be able to celebrate my anniversary with my amazing husband?? What IS going to to happen?? Well for starters most of the major surgery is done, still recovering and each day I think I get better something surprises me! Non the less, I am getting better, I just expect to be able to bounce back to normal and In this case, well I am going to have to just get use to the fact that, it really isn't going to happen that way! So I need it get off my high horse and just let it happen the way it needs to happen. I'm having a real issue with why all of this is happening, mainly at my age, and why me. Don't get me wrong, I am no angel nor do I wish this upon anyone else, but really, why me?? What exactly am I paying for?? What exactly did I do so very wrong that I am being punished, or made an example of? Would God really test me in this way or is this some other doing to try and bring me closer to God? And I swear the last thing I need to hear, because I hear it at least once a day, is, "God only gives you what you can handle". Really?? Is that so?? Because I am a firm believer in the fact that God does not give you something this horrible to "test" you! I believe he helps you through times like this or gives you people, places, tools, etc to help you through it, but I do not believe He would do this! I know growing up I was a hell child! I had issues, all through high school, in which It just got worse, however, I don't believe that I was that horrible to be punished this bad!! Not to mention I have done everything in my power to "redeem" my self, sort of speak. I joined the military, only to have that back fire in the worst of ways! I was "dropped" 25 feet in which I landed on my ass, and broke my lower SI joint, both of my hips, and my pelvis in two spots! Now that, that I thought was pay back for being a horrible teen! I was then, no longer able to serve my country, and that again I felt was payback, and felt like I needed to do more to make up for all I did that was wrong. So I moved away to better my life, grow up, and truly take charge! That is when, I felt, all of my luck went from,"walking Murphy's Law", to "luck of the Irish"! Which is frankly ironic! I am Irish, and my maiden name is Murphy!! Interesting huh!? But, in 2002, after my journey across country, I met my now, amazing husband Nick, I felt my luck changed at that point! It was pretty instant with me, I thought he was amazing, I fell for him, quick and hard! The more I learned about him and his family, the more I loved! I got to first meet his brother, Jonny, and his grandparents. All of which welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts! Well, his grandpa took a little convincing, however, he was just as stubborn as I was, so I think that made it much easier for us to get along! Soon, I was part of their family and we were building a family of our own! I had NEVER been happier in my whole life! Time went on, Nick and I got married, had two beautiful children, and couldn't have been happier! Until I was first diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, a heart condition and have to my Gallbladder taken out all within 6 weeks of delivering my adorable daughter! That is when I question yet again and have questioned off and on through the years about weather or not I am still being "punished" or tested, or something because I did something wrong!! I re-question this now again, and wonder what it is that I did so very wrong?! I know everyone tells me all the time, I am not being punished, however, if in am not, then why, why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to my family? They certainly do not deserve this!!! I too feel like I do not deserve this either, so how, how do I get through it and keep a level head? What steps do I take to ensure that for a change, my family will not have to go through hell again after the next two + years struggle?? What now? What do I do now?? How will I get through this and still be able to keep my head high? I need to be strong for my children and my husband, but how?? I just keep thinking that I am no where near the end and I am just wondering, when is that time going to hit again where I, yet again, say "what now"? I feel like I am strong, and doing well, but I am still such a basket case! I am so emotional and up and down with emotions, thoughts, hatred, and just plain tired!! Going into this I kept saying, I got this, I can do this, but as this process has taken shape and time continues on, I am just an unknown crazy case! It's not easy trying to explain what is happening to an 8 year old girl, and a 9 year old boy! Nor is it easy to be able to look at your husband and feel like you are a whole person, let alone a sexy women! Let me tell you, there is NOTHING sexy about having your cervix and uterus hacked up a few different times, and having scars all over your body, and then we get to add the fun fact that they took my DD Breasts and hacked them off!! I am lucky enough to have Expanders in place that they are able to inflate over time to give the illusion of breasts, a d will eventually be replaced with actual implants. However that, that does not change how I look right now, at this very moment! Oh!! Lets add a fun tidbit to this!! I will also within two weeks be losing all of my hair because of the aggressive Chemotherapy that in will be going through! So we now get to add baldness to the sexy scale! I am pretty sure I am going to look like a Man! Not a woman, a man! This process by far, has been and continues to be the most absolute hardest thing I have ever thought about and imagined I could have ever gone through, and here I am, going through it! It's not bad enough that I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 20, and then again at age 28, oh but this time around at age 28 we get to add on Breast Cancer!! Oh and you wanna hear the kicker?! I account for less than 1% of all breast cancer types that have ever been diagnosed!!! Meaning that the type of Breast Cancer that I have is THAT rare! Oh, oh, oh, oh!! And, this particular type, they are having a hard time finding someone, besides my self that has been diagnosed with this type under the age of 50! Hmmm... Now that, that only tells me that I must have done something so very wrong in a past life or something!! I mean come on, what are the odds?! Oh yea, less than 1%!! Sorry, I should not joke, but that is how I have been trying to deal with this, and get through it and still try to stay sane and still be able to look at my children or my husband without completely losing it! So my new goal is to blog bout what is happening, how I'm feeling, making sure I raise awareness and let everyone know that, NO ONE IS FREE AND CLEAR! It is possible for anyone, even men and children to get Breast Cancer. Yes it is more rare for a child or a man to get it, but it is NOT unheard of , and is possible! The other thing I would like to do in this process is find more women with a diagnosis the same as mine, and maybe find someone closer to my age! So the more this blog is read, shared, and Re-shared, maybe just maybe we will be able to come together as survivors (someday!) and help others through this process and prevent late stage Breast Cancer from happening, by being aware and finding it early enough!! Welcome to my journey in the fight of my life! The fight agains Metaplastic Carcinoma of the Breast! I will come out on top! I will be here for my children! I will be stronger and better in the end, will you help me to get there??